You Bin Con-vuhted!

Good Heavens!  The Southern Baptists will be a-twitter! 

And there we were, sitting on the front porch, takin' in the fresh, cool, early Fall air, and perusing the contents of a new book of Southern recipes.  As we drooled over every page,  we discussed dinner menus for the next three and a half years.  (Any of you who know my husband, will  understand that without being told. ) Before long, something amazing happened.... my native dialect was o'er taken by a distinctly Southern drawl!

Ah be-gay-n ta speek lahk Palla Deen ...ow-ah puh-haps it wuz mo-ah lahk  Carol Bur-nay-ett de-id own her show whay-en she de-id the "Gow-one With The Wee-ind" skit.  At iny junct--shun, ah wuz a-bow-t ta ha-ave a spell involvin' the 'vape-ahs.'  In uthuh werds, ah wuz feelin' a bit puny an' wundrin' wut wuz hap-nin' ta may.  Lay-and sykes!

Ah wuz not suh-tin if'n ah wuz sud-dunlee pa-zay-essed, or wuz ah speekin' in uthuh tungs?!  Lordy mercy....the chuch wud have a conniption fo'sho-ah in ethah kise!  Ah say-id ta mah hus-bund thet ah wuz tuh-nin' inta a true Suth'n bay-ell. He jist gave may one-uh them glant-sez sech as he's prone ta due na-ow  'n a-gay-in... 'n thay-in he say-is.....'You bin con-vuhted!'

Mah, mah, mah!!!  Duz thay-at mean ah'll be fah-tin' the Civil Wow-ah agin' the Yankees?  Ah ain't no nat'ral bow-un Suth'nah.....'n ah ain't fixin' t' faht with no-buddy!  Heck fahr! Ah don't cotton t' fah-tin' a'tall. It ain't in mah puh-son-al-it-tay!  Ah s'pose if'n ah had 'ta pick a sahd, ah'd have ta chewz mah nat'ral bow-un side, which (whisperin...) was a Union folk. But, thay-en, wuld ah have ta way-uh a Union Suit??  Ah mah-t have ta pay-ass on awl the-is heah wow-ah. Me 'n a union suit jist wuld-int git on way-ell, ah don't reckon. 

On t'uthah hay-end, if'n ah was t' con-tinya t' talk this-a-why, they's go-own t'be sum folks who's go-own t' git t'thankin' ah'm plumb crazy owe-uh that ah'm a-makin' a jowk-a they-um. Nee-thuh one  wuld be the ach-u-wal truth.  It's jist a sitchy-a-tion thet I don't have iny control ovah, don'tcha know?  Ah reckon it'd be saw-ta hahd t' convince thay-um ov thay-et, how-evuh. So, if'n  the next tah-me y'all lay yo' ahz upon may, puh-layz say wut y'all kin do 'bowt gittin' the tah 'n feth-uhs from off'n mah pow-uh say-elf.  Ah'd be mah-tee oblah-ged if'n ya wuld do thay-et fo' may. 

In the mean-wahle....ya culd pry real hahd fo' this heah 'tungs' sitchy-a-chun I dun fahn m'sef in. Wud ya?